Disturbing Merlin drabbles
by Eliza-Lou-Riley
Summary: Ignore the title. Basically some drabbles jam-packed with slash, randomness and downright weirdness.
1. Author's note

**A/N: I need to take a break after writing all that horror, so here are some tasteless but hopefully entertaining drabbles for you to read. It's all completely random (i.e some contain Morgana still living in Camelot, Elyan and Uther are alive etc.) But that is because I'm in an insanely random mood. This will contain a mixture of Mordern AU, random ships and downright weirdness. Any requests for pairings or scenarios, just ask!**

**Enjoy Xxx**


	2. Merthur

"Who're you staring at Arthur?"

"No one."

"Liar. You're staring at Merlin."

"So what? Is the king of Camelot not permitted to stare at his servant, Sir Gwaine?"

"Not with his hand stuffed down his trousers, no."


	3. Modern AU

Uther did his best to concentrate on the paperwork he was supposed to be signing, but the hammering bass that bellowed from above him was a major distraction.

"ARTHUR, WILL YOU TURN THAT JUNK DOWN?!"

His request went unheard over the noise. The doorbell rang and the head of Camelot industries for selling home insurance pulled himself away from his work, hoping to God this wasn't another neighbour come to complain about the noise.

"Oh, it's you." He said meekly, observing the raven-haired boy before him.

"Hey Mr. P, is Arthur home?"

"Yes but..." he observed the second boy, who was a lot shorter, "Who's this?"

"Mordred." Merlin replied, "Say hi Mordred."

The teenager looked like the kid from the Omen. He gave Uther a peace sign.

"You can go up to Arthur's room." Uther held the door open for them, "Just make sure you don't break anything."

The next half an hour consisted of the ceiling nearly caving in, as the boys got up to God knows what upstairs. Uther gave up trying to write.

"I knew I should have sent him to a private school."


	4. Lion king spoof 1

Uther loomed before the three terrified sorcerers beneath him, eyes blazing fire.

"If you _ever_ come near my son again-!"

"_Your_ son?" Morgause said in mild shock, "I don't know he was your son, did you Morgana?"

"No way! Did _you_ know that?"

"No!"

They both turned to the third sorcerer, "_Mordred_?"

"Hehehehe..."


	5. Puppy love

"You're so cute!"

Arthur rolled his eyes.

"I simply _adore_ you!"

Arthur drummed his fingers against the table impatiently.

"I'm so glad I have you in my life!"

Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose, "Merlin, it's just a puppy. It can't understand you."

"Shut up! You're hurting his feelings!"


	6. In which Mordred is a cat

"Merlin, what the hell is Mordred doing?"

"What do you mean, sire?"

"I mean - why's he making that noise?"

"What noise?"

"That...that..._growling_ noise."

"He's not growling, he's purring."

"Alright, _why_ is he purring then?"

"Because he's happy."

"Merlin, humans don't normally tend to _purr _when they're happy."

"Mordred does. Don't you Mordred? Who's a good boy?"

Mordred looked up shyly, fingers currently tangled in a ball of yarn, "Um..."

"_C'mon_, who's a good widdle boy?"

The druid blushed, "I am. _I'm_ a good boy."

Arthur watched as Merlin tickled him under the chin before slowly backing out of the room.


	7. Gwen's dresses

"Pull it tighter Merlin, tighter - AH! Not _that_ tight!"

"Maybe if you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have gained so much on your waist!"

"Are you calling me fat?"

"No, I'm just saying your waist is huge!"

"Boys, what are you-?" Gaius entered Merlin's bedroom to find Merlin halfway through doing the ribbons up on Arthur's dress. Well, it wasn't Arthur's dress - that would be silly. It was another one of Gwen's that Merlin had stolen. In fact, he'd gone to the trouble of stealing two.

"Ah..." The warlock flushed pink, glancing down at the blue frock he was in, "...this isn't what it looks like?"

"Mer-_lin_." Mordred suddenly appeared from behind the bed in one of the servant's dresses, "My bow keeps falling off!"


	8. Lion king spoof 2

"Man, that lousy Uther!" Morgana snapped, rubbing her stiff back, "Because of him I won't be able to sit for a week!"

Mordred started giggling excessively.

"It's not funny Mordred!" The sorceress spat.

Mordred only laughed harder, to the point where he lost his balance and fell over.

"Hey, shut up!"

He didn't. Before he knew it Morgana had pounced on him and they were rolling around in a heap. Morgause appeared out of nowhere and in a few seconds had casted a spell which pulled them apart instantly.

"Will you two knock it off!"

Morgana brushed the dust from her skirt, "Well he started it!"

Mordred, who had forgotten the fight was over, took to gnawing at his own arm.


	9. OOC

"Remind me again, why did Arthur hire this kid to be a knight?" Gwaine asked Leon, watching as Mordred fell down a whole flight of stairs and then got up as if it was nothing.

"I think he saved his life or something."

"How? The kid can't even see his own feet half the time."

"You never know. He might show us a different side to him at practice today."

"I bet you five shillings he doesn't."

"You ready Mordred?"

The druid blinked at Arthur and nodded. As soon as the king drew his sword out, Mordred screamed, dropped his weapon and ran to hide behind Merlin.

"Told you he wouldn't do it." Gwaine muttered to Leon, "Pay up."

When questioned about his actions on the training field, Mordred stated he thought the sword looked angry, so he panicked.


	10. Knight fight

"Alright, which one of you did it? Come on, own up!"

The knights looked guiltily at Arthur, then at Mordred who currently had his head stuck in a pot, with Merlin trying to tug it off.

"We'll need to stick together on this one." Leon muttered to Gwaine.

"Yeah, we will."

Arthur tapped his foot impatiently, "_Well_?"

"It was all Leon's fault!"

"You liar Gwaine!"

"You're the one who said his head was too big to fit in it!"

"Me? You're the one who twisted it when it wouldn't fit properly!"

The two ended up in a mini catfight whilst Percival turned to Elyan.

"Elyan, I told you butter wouldn't shift it."

"Well, do you have any better ideas?"

"There's no need to use that cranky tone!"

"It is not a tone. I'm cranky!"

Arthur did a major facepalm as all his knights ended up in a heap, yelling at each other.

"Will you all grow up and just take responsibility!"

"What's going on?" Mordred mumbled, the weight of the pot causing him to fall over, "I can't see..."

"It's true what they say." Said Merlin, "Anyone can be a knight these days."

"Shut up Merlin."


	11. In which Elyan is a gangsta

"Hey gurl."

Merlin didn't turn around.

"Hey gurl, I know you hear me."

The warlock sighed, "What is it Elyan?"

"Easy baby." The knight whipped off his shades, "I know ya'll want me, but we're going to have to take it low and slow with that Arthur of yours around."

"Elyan, for the last time, me and Arthur aren't together."

"Ah, I see. Playing hard to get are we? Ya old man Elyan can sort that out."

Merlin looked down at the knight who was almost a head shorter than him, "Elyan, though I'm flattered that you've taken an...interest to me, I'm really not looking for-"

"Uh, uh, uh." Elyan cut him off with a finger to his lips, "Elyan gets it. Elyan goin' give you some time to listen to your heart, baby."

"Elyan-"

"Gimme a call when you're ready to be mine, doll face. Elyan out." He slowly moonwalked out of the room.


	12. Team Camelot

"Ugh. Keep it together guys!" Arthur grimaced as he fought to keep his balance, "We have to get this perfect before we go on stage!"

"Percival, keep still, you might drop me!" Said Leon, glancing down at the knight supporting him.

"I won't, just keep your legs straight! And clench your sides! It provides more stability!"

"Alright up there Mordred!?" Gwaine called, trying to crane his head up to the top of the pyramid and support Elyan at the same time.

"Uh..." The druid glanced down at the height and felt dizzy, "...I'm not entirely sure I want to be a flyer anymore."

"Just don't look down! You ready Merlin?"

Merlin quizzed whether he could deliberately drop Mordred and get away with it, "Yeah, I'm ready."

"Hit it George!"

George turned on the stereo and Merlin immediately began his series of backflips, landing just in time to catch Mordred and lift him above his head.

Uther had been skeptical of Camelot having its first all-boy cheerleading squad. Arthur couldn't see why.


	13. Awkward marriage counselling

"We've been together for almost four years now."

"We were friends before hand; Arthur's always been there for me."

"And Gwen's always had my back."

"We can always share a joke - and even if it's terrible, he'll laugh."

"I can talk to her about anything and I know she won't judge me."

"He's smart."

"She's pretty."

"He knows everything about me."

"And she knows everything about me."

"There's just one small problem though."

"I'm in love with my serving-boy and she's in love with an evil sorceress."

Arthur turned to the man who was currently jotting all this down, "So you see, Mr. Counsellor, that's why this marriage will never work."


	14. Weirdest pairing ever

"_Farthurius_, you stubborn git, move your arse!"

The dog refused and Will growled in frustration as he tugged at the lead with all the strength he had in his skinny body.

"Ye Gods, why can't Arthur walk his own bloody dogs?" He tugged some more but the mutt refused to budge, "Next time Merlin asks me to do him a favour, I'm going to-"

Farthurius decided at that moment to go lunging after a squirrel so the lead swung out of Will's hold. Before he knew it, he was tumbling backwards and in those split seconds his life flashed before his eyes. He wished he'd made more of it.

He never made it to the ground. When he was brave enough to open his eyes, he realised someone had caught him. Great, chainmail. That's all he needed at this moment; being mocked by a knight.

"Thanks..." He muttered, lifting himself and brushing himself down, "For a moment there, I thought I was going to-"

Gwaine looked down with mild surprise as the skinny figure before him flushed a deep shade of red and grinned sheepishly, not even comprehending the dog that lolloped over and flopped all its body weight onto his feet.

"Hi..." the knight said, deciding at that moment that the brown-haired kid was surprisingly cute looking.

The peasant simpered, "Hi..."

* * *

"Merlin, please explain to me why I found one of my best knights frolicking with your good friend Will in the corridors this morning."

"By frolicking, do you mean-?"

"Tongues, Merlin. They were using their bloody _tongues_."


	15. Animal antics

"Squeak...squeak...squeak...squeak..."

"Merlin, what are you doing?"

"Being a hedgehog."

"Well, stop being a hedgehog, my laundry basket needs sorting."

Merlin gasped and quickly emptied the dirty washing onto the bed.

"Arthur!"

"What is it _now_?"

The king turned to see Merlin crawling along the floor with the basket on his back.

"Now I'm a turtle!"


	16. Being childish

"But Mer-_lin_..."

Merlin stopped and realised he'd been dragging Mordred across the floor, as the druid's grip on his trouser leg refused to falter.

"Mordred, for the last time, I'm_ not_ interested."

"But I can make you _happy!_" Mordred whined, as Merlin resumed in walking and he felt his body being dragged against the floor once more, "I can give you anything you want! I'll buy you that puppy you've always wanted!"

"I already have a puppy!"

"I'll get you a kitten then! A kitten, a rabbit, I'll even get you a hedgehog!"

"Mordred-"

"Think about it! We can move away and get married - and then we can have kids!"

"_Mor_-dred-"

"I've already thought of their names! Desmond, Molly, Horatio-"

"_Mordred_-_!_"

"_Please_, Merlin! I love you! I'll do anything you want! Anything at all! Just LOVE me!"

The servant paused again and observed as Mordred resorted to childish sobbing, "Mordred, I think you need an early night tonight."

"But-!"

"_Mordred_."

The druid stuck his bottom lip out, "Fine..."


End file.
